ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
