I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
