My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize