Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We smell like vodka and hangover
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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