I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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