I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
