Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize