yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
