I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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