Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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