you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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