Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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