3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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