just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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