I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
