I just made out with a guy for $7.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
