Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
