I think i sorta joined a cult last night
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
