I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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