don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
