I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
