I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
