everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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