I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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