Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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