the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
