I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
