It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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