too bad you live with your parents still
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
