i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
