I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I did not marry a roomba.
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