My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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