My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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