i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
