Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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