Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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