Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
