I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
