I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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