Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
What drink are we having for lunch?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
