youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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