Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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