Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
