That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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