Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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