I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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