My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm just crazy horny about you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
