Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
