Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
