based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
