I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
