ya dads aren't the best wingmen
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
we're so committed to being not committed
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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