my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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