I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
