dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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