my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize